The Child In The Mirror
At the beginning of August the universe had thrown me into a deeply uncomfortable position after I'd naively asked, "right, what's next? Bring it on". Holy shit, did it really bring it on!
Almost in an instant my life had turned inside out and temporarily changed. I had gone from feeling like nothing could defeat me, feeling fully aligned and vibing high; switching to unexpectedly feeling that I needed somebody to hold my hand; to take over or guide me through, tell me what to do or do it for me.
I understand that throughout our entire lives there will always be some part of us that will instinctively end up looking for the easiest options, shifting responsibility, control and if we can, hiding behind that "adult" figure, it's a natural childlike defence mechanism that for many of us never goes away. This doesn't only occur with just the adult and child selves but any of the archetypes, in any situation.
Following those August events I began seeing myself in a very childlike way, I hadn't felt like a big/adult me for a long time. "Child-mode" took over. I eventually came to the realisation that I was perceiving others' perceptions of me as childlike, which could only mean that that was truly how I saw myself. The child in the mirror.
I hadn't felt in charge for a long time because I simply hadn't wanted to be, I wanted responsibility for nothing. My adult self had been too busy parenting one of her own parents, she had ended up neglecting her own child-self. Adult me retreated and only returned when she needed to be there for others, yet forgetting to check in on "little self". I've been extremely lucky to have a fantastic support network around me, but it was the self support I'd needed more than anything.
As a whole, I became numb and disconnected from emotion, I began to pick up patterns where I'd only focus on the tasks at hand or procrastinate, finding ways to ignore everything else.
The child me was throwing tantrums about the situation, starved of attention, feeling lost and scared whilst the adult me had disconnected because she too felt the same; leaving child-me to figure everything out and deal with all of the emotions "alone". I'd reverted back to previous habits from my early years where I even buried my child-self AS a child.
We 'Umans (not that we're really Human) revert to our safety nets, our comfort zones. our old ways of thinking or seeing ourselves and the world around us, this was my "reversion". Humans naturally revert back to old habits and comfort zones for whatever versions of survival we may need; comfort zones become "uncomfortable zones", stale and stagnant but familiar energy.
I like to compare these reversions to an invisible chord tied around oneself, it gets tighter the more comfortable you get (or think you are) and as it grows tight it gets ready to snap you back when you least expect it. In other words - shadow-work!
It's only when you feel the sting of the snap that we can finally see where we've been pulled back to and if we're lucky - why it happened. These "snap backs" are not negative, no matter how much they appear to be at the time. The more we pull away and get snapped back again, the lesser the snap and sting the next time around until eventually the chord weakens and it eventually frays and snaps for good (or sometimes it's one big painful one and you're done, like ripping off a band-aid). My chord went "twang" and pulled me back to a place and child I'd forgotten.
It is true "all work and no play makes X a dull boy/girl", I'd forgotten how to live, laugh and play, but most importantly listen to myself, I hadn't had time to. I'd not given the child me the time, respect, praise, support and nurture that she deserved, I'd not been there to hold her and tell her that everything was OK because she was also the one doing so for me. The child and adult selves are like Russian dolls, if we disconnect them, we break the set. They reflect into each other and work from one another. We have to hold and nurture ourselves it's more important than we could ever imagine. Listen to the emotions, hear your own pleas for help and support deep down, be your own shoulder to cry on. We are so accustom the judgemental, disciplined and pre-programmed versions of self parenting that we never instinctively think about the nurturing side of it.
Reintegrating with our child self isn't always a quick process, some of our inner children bare too much trauma and deep emotion to even approach, having been forgotten in the dark for too long, separated and even replaced (I will have write more about replacement inner children at a later date, this is more to do with fracturing of the psyche at a deeper level). The first step to take is simply acknowledgement, treat your child self how you would want/need to be treated, to be listened to and to be loved if that's what they need.
Write down the emotions come up from within, write an angry letter to the parent you, write back with a letter from parent you. Sod it, have a conversation with yourself, even if someone else is around!
Tell yourself you are safe, you are held, you are supported, you are understood. When you are supporting yourself your internal system reintegrates...
Just make sure to keep IN CHECK with how little you is doing from time to time, they've been on this journey as long as big you has!
"I love all that I am, have been and will be,
Child me, run free with curiosity and creativity,
Great mother me, grow, nurture, and heal me,
Past me, I forgive and love thee, for you helped teach me,
Sensual me, feel me, trust me, guide me in your safety,
Physical me, feel strong and free, breathe life daily,
Vocal me, speak freely, sing your heart song,
All of me, come into harmony, re-birth and re-embody me"
~Merryin
~Merryin
Helpful links: https://aligningwithin.com/2020/01/22/understanding-your-inner-child/
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B004SNPSIE/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/evil-deeds/200806/essential-secrets-psychotherapy-the-inner-child
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